Last week’s picks: 7-6
Season Total: 64-39
I had a strange dream this week. I was grocery shopping. Every time I turned down an aisle, Tim Tebow would enter the aisle at the opposite end. I tried to ignore him, and just concentrate on getting the things on my list, but my attention kept getting drawn to him. He would take an item off the shelf and attempt to put it in his cart, but he kept missing. I remember distinctly seeing him try to toss a loaf of bread into his cart from about five feet away, only to watch the bread sail half-way down the aisle. After a while, I headed to the back of the store to get some milk, the last item on my list. When I got to the dairy section, there was only one carton of skim left, but as I reached for it, D.J. Williams appeared out of nowhere, grabbed the carton, and ran away with it. I was about to run after him, when I saw Tebow crouched in the corner, praying. Then, Matt Prater kicked me in the balls. While I lay on the floor, Tebow came over and took my cart, while all my family and friends, who had suddenly appeared (including my buddy Keith, wearing nothing but a barrel), stood around and cheered.
I have no idea what any of that means, but I feel better for having shared.
Now, on to the picks:
Jaguars at Texans
Houston looked good last week by not merely beating, but rather, demolishing, a suddenly struggling Titans team. The Texans seem to have adjusted to the loss of Mario Williams, and are poised now to make a run at the division title. Jacksonville’s defence was impressive on Monday night against Baltimore. Still, I can’t see the Jags being able to generate enough offence to stay with Houston for four quarters. Winner: Texans
Saints at Rams
It’s hard to believe how many experts picked the Rams to win the NFC West this year. Barring a major catastrophe, this should be another blowout win for New Orleans. I have to wonder, though, if two straight weeks of vastly inferior opposition will have a negative effect on the Saints, who host the inconsistent but dangerous Bucs next week. Winner: Saints
Colts at Titans
The Colts were flat-out embarrassed last week against the Saints. Trying extra-hard to prove that they aren’t pathetic might give them a bit of a boost this week. The only problem is, Tennessee got their asses handed to them by Houston last week, and will be focused on bouncing back this week. In other news, Chris Johnson’s picture has begun appearing on milk cartons around the Nashville area. He was last seen laughing all the way to the bank (while being extra careful not to, you know, bump into anybody). Winner: Titans
Dolphins at Giants
The only hope that Miami has this week is if Eli Manning has one of those games where he stinks it up by throwing 2-3 picks and fumbles a couple of times. Actually, never mind; the Dolphins would still find a way to lose. Winner: Giants
Cardinals at Ravens
So far, the Kevin Kolb experience has not been a pleasant one for Arizona or for Cardinals fans. Travelling across the country to play a pissed-off Ravens team is not what the doctor ordered. Winner: Ravens
Vikings at Panthers
Cam Newton continues to impress. There’s a rumour that Steve Smith sold his soul to the devil (What? There isn’t? Well, now there is.). The Vikings aren’t good enough to stop Carolina from scoring a lot. Winner: Panthers
Lions at Broncos
This should be a good test for Detroit, losers of two straight. Matt Stafford is hobbled, and Jahvid Best is still out. Denver doesn’t have a good enough running game to give the Lions’ defence enough trouble. Winner: Lions
‘skins at Bills (in Toronto)
After a strong start, Washington has fallen back to earth. They are riddled with injuries. Bills’ QB Ryan Fitzpatrick just signed a new deal, and will be out to prove that he’s worth it. Wouldn’t it be a lot more fun if this game was played on a CFL-sized field? Winner: Bills
Browns at 49ers
So much has gone wrong for poor Peyton Hillis this year that it’s almost too difficult to make fun of him anymore. He’ll be sitting out again this week with a bad hammy. The 49ers are running away with the NFC West. They’ll be one more step closer to clinching after this week. Winner: 49ers
Patriots at Steelers
This should be the game of the week. The Steelers’ defence should be in a lather by now after all the talk this week about how Tom Brady has dominated them. I expect a lot of passing in this game, and a lot of points. New England usually wins those types of games. Winner: Patriots
Bengals at Seahawks
The best hope for Seattle in this one is if Cincinnati QB Andy Dalton can’t handle the crowd noise. The Bengals’ defence is the real deal, and should be able to handle the anaemic Seahawks’ offence. Should be a low-scoring affair. Winner: Bengals
Cowboys at Eagles
This should be another great match up. Dallas can win this game if they are patient on offence. They need to run the ball, use the clock, and keep the Eagles’ offence off the field as much as possible. There should be lots of points scored in this one. Winner: Cowboys
Monday Night
Chargers at Chiefs
Kansas City has bounced back nicely since losing their first two games and looking like the worst team in the league. Granted, it hasn’t been against the best competition, but the Chiefs played the Chargers tough in their Week 3 meeting. San Diego continues to underwhelm. Phillip Rivers has not played well this year. The Chargers are banged-up. Winner: Chiefs
Season Total: 64-39
I had a strange dream this week. I was grocery shopping. Every time I turned down an aisle, Tim Tebow would enter the aisle at the opposite end. I tried to ignore him, and just concentrate on getting the things on my list, but my attention kept getting drawn to him. He would take an item off the shelf and attempt to put it in his cart, but he kept missing. I remember distinctly seeing him try to toss a loaf of bread into his cart from about five feet away, only to watch the bread sail half-way down the aisle. After a while, I headed to the back of the store to get some milk, the last item on my list. When I got to the dairy section, there was only one carton of skim left, but as I reached for it, D.J. Williams appeared out of nowhere, grabbed the carton, and ran away with it. I was about to run after him, when I saw Tebow crouched in the corner, praying. Then, Matt Prater kicked me in the balls. While I lay on the floor, Tebow came over and took my cart, while all my family and friends, who had suddenly appeared (including my buddy Keith, wearing nothing but a barrel), stood around and cheered.
I have no idea what any of that means, but I feel better for having shared.
Now, on to the picks:
Jaguars at Texans
Houston looked good last week by not merely beating, but rather, demolishing, a suddenly struggling Titans team. The Texans seem to have adjusted to the loss of Mario Williams, and are poised now to make a run at the division title. Jacksonville’s defence was impressive on Monday night against Baltimore. Still, I can’t see the Jags being able to generate enough offence to stay with Houston for four quarters. Winner: Texans
Saints at Rams
It’s hard to believe how many experts picked the Rams to win the NFC West this year. Barring a major catastrophe, this should be another blowout win for New Orleans. I have to wonder, though, if two straight weeks of vastly inferior opposition will have a negative effect on the Saints, who host the inconsistent but dangerous Bucs next week. Winner: Saints
Colts at Titans
The Colts were flat-out embarrassed last week against the Saints. Trying extra-hard to prove that they aren’t pathetic might give them a bit of a boost this week. The only problem is, Tennessee got their asses handed to them by Houston last week, and will be focused on bouncing back this week. In other news, Chris Johnson’s picture has begun appearing on milk cartons around the Nashville area. He was last seen laughing all the way to the bank (while being extra careful not to, you know, bump into anybody). Winner: Titans
Dolphins at Giants
The only hope that Miami has this week is if Eli Manning has one of those games where he stinks it up by throwing 2-3 picks and fumbles a couple of times. Actually, never mind; the Dolphins would still find a way to lose. Winner: Giants
Cardinals at Ravens
So far, the Kevin Kolb experience has not been a pleasant one for Arizona or for Cardinals fans. Travelling across the country to play a pissed-off Ravens team is not what the doctor ordered. Winner: Ravens
Vikings at Panthers
Cam Newton continues to impress. There’s a rumour that Steve Smith sold his soul to the devil (What? There isn’t? Well, now there is.). The Vikings aren’t good enough to stop Carolina from scoring a lot. Winner: Panthers
Lions at Broncos
This should be a good test for Detroit, losers of two straight. Matt Stafford is hobbled, and Jahvid Best is still out. Denver doesn’t have a good enough running game to give the Lions’ defence enough trouble. Winner: Lions
‘skins at Bills (in Toronto)
After a strong start, Washington has fallen back to earth. They are riddled with injuries. Bills’ QB Ryan Fitzpatrick just signed a new deal, and will be out to prove that he’s worth it. Wouldn’t it be a lot more fun if this game was played on a CFL-sized field? Winner: Bills
Browns at 49ers
So much has gone wrong for poor Peyton Hillis this year that it’s almost too difficult to make fun of him anymore. He’ll be sitting out again this week with a bad hammy. The 49ers are running away with the NFC West. They’ll be one more step closer to clinching after this week. Winner: 49ers
Patriots at Steelers
This should be the game of the week. The Steelers’ defence should be in a lather by now after all the talk this week about how Tom Brady has dominated them. I expect a lot of passing in this game, and a lot of points. New England usually wins those types of games. Winner: Patriots
Bengals at Seahawks
The best hope for Seattle in this one is if Cincinnati QB Andy Dalton can’t handle the crowd noise. The Bengals’ defence is the real deal, and should be able to handle the anaemic Seahawks’ offence. Should be a low-scoring affair. Winner: Bengals
Cowboys at Eagles
This should be another great match up. Dallas can win this game if they are patient on offence. They need to run the ball, use the clock, and keep the Eagles’ offence off the field as much as possible. There should be lots of points scored in this one. Winner: Cowboys
Monday Night
Chargers at Chiefs
Kansas City has bounced back nicely since losing their first two games and looking like the worst team in the league. Granted, it hasn’t been against the best competition, but the Chiefs played the Chargers tough in their Week 3 meeting. San Diego continues to underwhelm. Phillip Rivers has not played well this year. The Chargers are banged-up. Winner: Chiefs
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