I’ve just spent the better part of a week hearing any and all manner of bullshit about football. Some of it has been relevant to the big game (barely), but most of it has been just a tireless, endless, ridiculous game of, “Hey, look at me!”
I am sick of hearing about:
Dan Marino’s illegitimate child—Tell me, what was the point of reporting on that? It’s a non-story. His wife knows, and they’re still together. He supports the child financially. There are no lawsuits or animosity. The person who gets hurt the most by this “story” is a young child. The ugly side of sports “journalism.” (No hyperlinks here, folks; I’m sorry I even brought it up.)
Deer Antler Whatever—Don’t care. If it comes from a deer’s antler, why is it banned? Unless it’s an anti-poaching initiative designed to save deer from cruelty, I don’t give a crap. With the way these guys put their bodies on the line, I say whatever makes them heal faster is ok. They have a limited amount of time to make as much money as they can before potentially retiring to a life of chronic pain, dementia, and early death. (And don’t think they don’t know this; they do it willingly, lawsuits be damned.)
The San Francisco Bigots—Now there’s some irony for you, folks. The team representing a city which is inextricably linked to the great and necessary strides taken by homosexuals in the US is stinky with homophobes. First there was knucklehead CB Chris Culliver’s brilliant opinions about homosexual teammates (would not be welcome on the 49ers, should wait at least 10 years after retirement before coming out, etc.). Then, in a stunning reversal of field, some of the players who were hailed last year for their ground-breaking participation in an anti-bullying video aimed at helping LGBT youth tried to deny that they had ever participated, then when shown evidence, said they didn’t know what it was really about. In a further irony, Ravens’ LB Terrell Suggs, who had to surrender his guns last November due to a domestic violence case, looks like a renaissance man by comparison, opining that the Ravens would welcome a gay teammate, and participating in an animal rights ad campaign called “Ink, Not Mink.”
I am sick of hearing about:
Dan Marino’s illegitimate child—Tell me, what was the point of reporting on that? It’s a non-story. His wife knows, and they’re still together. He supports the child financially. There are no lawsuits or animosity. The person who gets hurt the most by this “story” is a young child. The ugly side of sports “journalism.” (No hyperlinks here, folks; I’m sorry I even brought it up.)
Deer Antler Whatever—Don’t care. If it comes from a deer’s antler, why is it banned? Unless it’s an anti-poaching initiative designed to save deer from cruelty, I don’t give a crap. With the way these guys put their bodies on the line, I say whatever makes them heal faster is ok. They have a limited amount of time to make as much money as they can before potentially retiring to a life of chronic pain, dementia, and early death. (And don’t think they don’t know this; they do it willingly, lawsuits be damned.)
The San Francisco Bigots—Now there’s some irony for you, folks. The team representing a city which is inextricably linked to the great and necessary strides taken by homosexuals in the US is stinky with homophobes. First there was knucklehead CB Chris Culliver’s brilliant opinions about homosexual teammates (would not be welcome on the 49ers, should wait at least 10 years after retirement before coming out, etc.). Then, in a stunning reversal of field, some of the players who were hailed last year for their ground-breaking participation in an anti-bullying video aimed at helping LGBT youth tried to deny that they had ever participated, then when shown evidence, said they didn’t know what it was really about. In a further irony, Ravens’ LB Terrell Suggs, who had to surrender his guns last November due to a domestic violence case, looks like a renaissance man by comparison, opining that the Ravens would welcome a gay teammate, and participating in an animal rights ad campaign called “Ink, Not Mink.”
The Hall of Fame—A bunch of sportswriters sitting in a room trying to convince each other to vote for the guy they like. There’s no standard of excellence, just opinions, favouritism, politics, grudges, the whole spectrum of human effluvia. Greatest players of all time, right? Joe Namath, famous Super Bowl prediction, played in New York, wore fur coats on the sideline, bachelor party-animal in the swingin’70s, career 50% passer with 173 TDs and 220 INTs, Hall of Famer. Oh, and I despise Bill Parcells.
Whiners—Former Raiders’ WR Tim Brown thinks that then-Raiders’ head coach Bill Callahan sabotaged the team, causing them to lose SBXXXVII. Marshall Faulk believes that the Patriots cheated to beat Faulk’s Rams in SBXXXVI. Hey, sore losers: Shut up! No one cares.
Miscellaneous—Joe Flacco used a bad word to describe the prospect of a cold-weather Super Bowl. He apologized. He also happened to be right… Randy Moss stated that he’s the best WR ever. People made fun of him. Jerry Rice told him to check the record book (yawn). Depending on your criteria, Moss has a case… I guess Amani Toomer wants attention too. He said some dumb things about Ray Lewis, about how the attention he is inviting is bad for the Ravens, proving that he just doesn’t understand what Lewis means to the team.
I could go on and on, but the game’s starting soon, so I’d better get this wrapped up.
I could go into a lengthy analysis of each team’s strengths and weaknesses, but that’s really not my style. I could make a case for either team, really. No matter what I say, they still have to play the game.
Just look how they got here:
Ravens—Made the playoffs based on a hot start to the season, then limped into the playoffs. Then, after beating the Colts handily in the first playoff round, they beat the Broncos in OT after the Broncos couldn’t cover anyone deep, and Peyton Manning, inexplicably, took a knee at the end of regulation time rather than go for the win. The following week, they beat a Patriots team that, despite losing their best DB in the first quarter, and despite having the highest-scoring offence in the league, punted inside the Ravens’ 35 yard line TWICE.
49ers—Got a first round bye as a result of the infamous Green Bay-Seattle fiasco. Beat the Packers in a game where, according to Packers’ DB Charles Woodson, the defence was not prepared for the eventuality that the mobile Colin Kaepernick might actually run with the ball. Then, the ‘niners beat the Falcons after Atlanta, leading comfortably, forgot to cover San Fran TE (and one of the most talented, athletic players in the NFL) Vernon Davis, then Falcons’ QB Matt Ryan fumbled away a great chance to pull out the win.
Of course, none of this matters. The only thing that matters is that they made it.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. As for my prediction, let’s call it more of a hope.
I hope the Ravens win.
I don’t like the 49ers. Can’t stand Jim Harbaugh. Don’t want them to win.
I’d like to see Ed Reed get a SB ring, and maybe even win SB MVP (which he may just have to do for his team to win).
I think that the controversy (homophobia, frequenting strip clubs that feature “Naked Sushi,”), the inexperienced QB, and the suspect coverage abilities of their Safeties, will be a factor in the 49ers’ play.
I think that Ed Reed will play a huge role in exposing the raw Kaepernick.
I think Ray Rice and Anquan Boldin will have breakout games.
But I don’t know anything.
Go Ravens!
Whiners—Former Raiders’ WR Tim Brown thinks that then-Raiders’ head coach Bill Callahan sabotaged the team, causing them to lose SBXXXVII. Marshall Faulk believes that the Patriots cheated to beat Faulk’s Rams in SBXXXVI. Hey, sore losers: Shut up! No one cares.
Miscellaneous—Joe Flacco used a bad word to describe the prospect of a cold-weather Super Bowl. He apologized. He also happened to be right… Randy Moss stated that he’s the best WR ever. People made fun of him. Jerry Rice told him to check the record book (yawn). Depending on your criteria, Moss has a case… I guess Amani Toomer wants attention too. He said some dumb things about Ray Lewis, about how the attention he is inviting is bad for the Ravens, proving that he just doesn’t understand what Lewis means to the team.
I could go on and on, but the game’s starting soon, so I’d better get this wrapped up.
I could go into a lengthy analysis of each team’s strengths and weaknesses, but that’s really not my style. I could make a case for either team, really. No matter what I say, they still have to play the game.
Just look how they got here:
Ravens—Made the playoffs based on a hot start to the season, then limped into the playoffs. Then, after beating the Colts handily in the first playoff round, they beat the Broncos in OT after the Broncos couldn’t cover anyone deep, and Peyton Manning, inexplicably, took a knee at the end of regulation time rather than go for the win. The following week, they beat a Patriots team that, despite losing their best DB in the first quarter, and despite having the highest-scoring offence in the league, punted inside the Ravens’ 35 yard line TWICE.
49ers—Got a first round bye as a result of the infamous Green Bay-Seattle fiasco. Beat the Packers in a game where, according to Packers’ DB Charles Woodson, the defence was not prepared for the eventuality that the mobile Colin Kaepernick might actually run with the ball. Then, the ‘niners beat the Falcons after Atlanta, leading comfortably, forgot to cover San Fran TE (and one of the most talented, athletic players in the NFL) Vernon Davis, then Falcons’ QB Matt Ryan fumbled away a great chance to pull out the win.
Of course, none of this matters. The only thing that matters is that they made it.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. As for my prediction, let’s call it more of a hope.
I hope the Ravens win.
I don’t like the 49ers. Can’t stand Jim Harbaugh. Don’t want them to win.
I’d like to see Ed Reed get a SB ring, and maybe even win SB MVP (which he may just have to do for his team to win).
I think that the controversy (homophobia, frequenting strip clubs that feature “Naked Sushi,”), the inexperienced QB, and the suspect coverage abilities of their Safeties, will be a factor in the 49ers’ play.
I think that Ed Reed will play a huge role in exposing the raw Kaepernick.
I think Ray Rice and Anquan Boldin will have breakout games.
But I don’t know anything.
Go Ravens!
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