So let me update, just a little, as to why I have not been myself. Only one word can completely describe what is going on: overwhelmed. I am completely overwhelmed. So many things seemed to happen in the last three and a half months that I have not caught up with, both emotionally and mentally. I am not sure what you do when you are in this position, but I become a child. I get angry and tired. I become more and more frustrated (where my anger stems from), and everything I see is wrong. This tireless circular motion of being unable to control my life just completely engulfs me. It swallows me whole.
It makes me sad because I know that this is not who I am, but it is the easiest place for me to go. I lived there for so long, that it is comfortable. For the past few years, I have finally come to realize that this is not where I belong. I am not an angry person, I love with all of my heart and I see the good in all people, even those people who are unable to see it in themselves. I will make you smile, because I know that one thing that you don’t know, that you and I are a lot more alike than different. If you choose to believe that you are a chosen one, you are not seeing everything around you.
So here I am, writing again. This is something that I love to do. It does make me feel joy. It is my way of verbalizing what I am thinking without the ‘live’ audience. Plus it gives you the benefit of reading it, agreeing with it, or disagreeing with it, in your private little way. I’d like to feel that my sharing with you helps you on your journey, knowing that perhaps out there somewhere, someone else feels the exact same way that I do.
I like breaking down barriers. I like being able to expose people for who they really are because I know in my heart that somewhere down the line, someone told you that you were not good enough, that you were not valuable, and that you are worthless. I just want you to know, that you are not the only one who has heard that once or twice (or even more than that in my case), and unfortunately you will not be the last. Words can hurt, but only if you believe them. If you give someone that power to hurt you, they will hurt you. Perhaps not intentionally, but eventually, something that they say or do will hurt your feelings of self. So when you give away your power, make sure you choose wisely.
So, how do I get back to me? How do I get myself out of this slump that I am in, and how do I feel better? Well, I have discovered that the first thing that I am doing is changing my diet. Crap going in means crap coming out. I need to make that conscious decision to make myself a priority. I am tired and my body isn’t being fed properly. So my body and brain is telling me that I suck, because I really do. I am not taking care of myself. I am not ‘treating my body like a temple,’ more like a convenience store. I tend to take the easy way, not being lazy, just ‘don’t have the time.’ So the change is now, and is happening now. Yesterday, at work, I resisted a cream cheese covered carrot cake; that for me is power. Trust me it was really difficult, but I decided I am doing this all in, no exceptions. I cannot make exceptions so early in this journey; because I need to get in a routine that eating healthy is the routine and unhealthy habits is the exception, not the norm. What is that saying: ‘eat to live, not live to eat.’ I do love food. I love texture and taste, so eating healthy is not going to be the easiest thing (Any suggestions or healthy recipes would be greatly appreciated). With healthy eating, I have also incorporated, albeit slowly, exercise. I know some of my former co-workers would love this fact. George and I have tried Zumba, and well, although neither one of us is great at it (yet), we are having fun, which for me is half the battle. It also helps that the class is made up of over 60 people and they come in all shapes and sizes. The enthusiasm of the instructor is contagious. I recommend Zumba to anyone who just loves to dance and have fun.
First part on the way back is under way. The next part is the mind. Well, I have a plan for the as well. Starting today, I am going to have a daily happy posted on my website. It will be comprised of just little things that made me smile that day. I have to focus on things that make me happy, I have to not focus on everything that is going 'wrong,’ or I will get trapped in that vicious cycle again. I am refusing to let that happen. Plus a little therapy never hurt anyone.
I think that this is a great start. I truly believe that when you get yourself back into balance, then your soul or spirit will raise up again. My spirituality is strong. I think that is one of the reasons why I am unable to get consumed by the anger and hate. I recognise that something is out of whack, and I change my focus. It also helps that I am highly intelligent (yeah I said that, I need to recognize).
One step at a time…
Happy Does It! :o)