So, she has started her journey on finding out who she is, and by her choice she decided to go to a university that not only has a wonderful music program but is cost-effective as well. The downside is that she is a distance away from her family. When George and I talked to her about her apprehension about going so far away, our only focus was on her and what is best for her. I have to be honest, I didn't know how well she would do, being so far away for an extended period of time. The longest that she has been away from me was two weeks when she was really young.
So, the day came, that day when I had to leave her to start her new journey, and I’ll be honest it didn’t look that good. There were a few hiccups along the way that could have been done beforehand that weren’t done. It wasn’t looking good. I was actually joking around with her (I know what I was doing was annoying her) and saying things like (because it wasn’t only her, there was a huge line up of first year students in the same situation), "I bet every parent here is thinking the same way that I am right now, wondering why we have so much technology, that you use every day, but you didn’t manage to do this one thing." She knew I was right, but it was her first day, and I was being a pain in the behind.
So the time came, George and I moved all of her stuff into her apartment and it was finally time to say our good-byes. I held her and we cried together. This was our moment to let go just a little to one another and it was a moment for me to let her be who she is meant to be. Sure it hurt, and I was extremely worried, but I had to have faith in the teaching that I have done over her eighteen years. I had to have faith in myself that I have raised a responsible young woman who will be able to make it on her own.
Unless you have gone through this, you wouldn’t understand how difficult it is to have faith in yourself. When she was young, I was young, and I had to go by the only thing that I have known, which is how to love. I needed to let her know that she is special and that I love her and believe in her. However unsure I was of myself, I needed to ingrain in my child that she is loved and that she is worthy of love. I needed to let her be okay with making mistakes, and I needed her to pick herself up again after making mistakes. I wanted her to understand that things/objects are not more important than peoples’ feelings. I didn’t have anything to offer, but I gave her my everything. So on this day, I had to believe in myself that I am and have been good enough to let her do this on her own. Again, it goes back to that thing that inhibits us all the time, the ego.
Before this day, I was joking with my co-workers, saying that if you hear this wailing on the 2nd of September that would be me, travelling back from dropping her off. I was actually terrified; I made myself sick from stressing myself out so much. On that day, the drive back, I can honestly say, I cried, but not because I was leaving her behind, but because I felt this freedom that I haven’t felt in a long time. I didn’t know what to do; I was almost hysterical but not quite. I looked at my life, you know looking back at your life, and I really got to see and understand everything that I had to sacrifice in order for that moment to occur. That moment overwhelmed me, but it let me see something that I was quite unaware of, that now, after all of this, I am able to focus on me. I can still be her mother, I can still love her with all of my heart, but this is my time.
Most people do things a lot different than I did. They go through high school; go to college, live it up, meet someone, get married and then have children. Or some of you went through high school, met someone, got married and had children. Or you met someone, had children and then got married. Oh yeah and somewhere in there you found a career. Very few of you took the road that I did; most of you wouldn’t or couldn’t do what I have done. That doesn’t make me special; it is just a difference, that is all. I always wondered what it would have been like if my road would have been different, but I cannot think that way because I have the best life that I could ask for.
So now what? In what direction am I supposed to go when everything that I knew, the only direction that I have been travelling, has come to an impasse? Do you know how strange it feels to have one purpose in your life be fulfilled at a young age? Now all I am is just an advice-giver, and a supporter of my child. That is the new role that I have to play.
So, you may wonder what the heck I was thinking when I chose the title for this blog. Well that is just it; I wasn’t thinking too much. I just knew that I would be talking about my recent adventure with my life, and it basically describes how I feel. I am curious about where this life will lead me, and the dark part, or night, is the fear of the unknown, but the dark/night never scared me.
I am focused. I know where I would like to be in five years, and I know who I would like to become. I am thirty-five years old, a woman with dreams, and the desire and passion to do what makes me happy. I have had a lot of rough spots and I am not going to lie, I am not out of the rough spot quite yet, but I always have faith that my true destiny has been shown to me, and I do not want to let that slip out of my reach. There is a place in this world for me, a spot for what I can do, and how I can affect positive change, in my life, my family life, as well as in others lives. There is a light and I am willing to follow the light down the curious road in the dark of the night. I always say that life in an adventure, it is meant for living and is meant for the living. Take hold and live!
Happy Does It!