So why is it that the more that I delve into the past traumas of my life, the better I feel?
You need to be honest with yourself. Brutally honest. Look at your life in its entirety. All of it. Revisit those memories that are not always the best ones to look at, and tell yourself that it is okay. It is alright to have behaved the way that you did. It is alright to have survived the things that you did. It was not okay for others to abuse you. It was not okay for others to take advantage of you. It was not okay.
Look at your life. Really look. Speak to that individual; your younger-self, and tell her that she did the best that she could, considering where you are now. Speak to her. Stand up for her. Tell her that you are there for her. Empower her. Unshackle her. Allow her to be strong again. She is you and you are her. You have been bound together through trauma, but it doesn't have to be a sentence; it is a sisterhood. Your very own sisterhood. You and her. She and you.
Stop making excuses for the abusers, and stand up for the abused. You would do it for someone else, now do it for you. Every time that you ignore your past you are letting yourself down just a little more. You are letting your body and your mind think and believe that it is not worth helping. You can have all the tools from the shed at your disposal but if you do not address the foundation of the problem/task what ever you build will be all for not.
Please don't think for one second that this can be done in one day. It can not. You need to be honest with yourself, and sometimes your brain/sub-conscience doesn't want that, so you end up spinning your wheels. There are things out there that have traumatized you, and you need to address those things, not with judgement, but with compassion. Be nice to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Fall in love with yourself. You are amazing.
So when the road does not seem to be going in the direction that you think that it should be, pump the brakes and stop. You are at the wheel, now steer towards a direction of choice.
I have Fibromyalgia, but it does not have me.
Happy Does It. ;o)