Lately, I have been so far in denial regarding my illness that it took a literal breakdown of my mind, spirit and body to stop me from working.  I would get up everyday and go to work, full time.  I would push through the pain to get there, and try and maintain the facade that I had created for myself, because I need to be strong.  (So I thought.)

My true strength was when I finally woke up and looked at my husband and said "No More. I can not do this anymore."  I had to break in order to bend.  I needed to see that I am worth more than I believed.  I thought that I loved and respected myself, but when it all came down to everything, I realized that I put everyone else's needs ahead of my own, including complete strangers.  I would sit, and smile, and laugh fraudulently.  I was in misery.  You know when I would go home, after a workday, I would have nothing left of myself to give to anyone else. A fraud, but the con was on me.  The only truth that I knew was and is pain, and right now I need prayers, love and support to help me.  Who am I to ask for this?  I am suppose to be the strong one. I am suppose to help other people.  Where is this going to lead?

I see now my worth, my truth and what I am capable of doing.  I know that my life's path has completely changed, and the direction that I am going is unwritten.  I am terrified, but from experience I know that great things happen when you are terrified and your journey continues.  What is it going to look like when all is said and done? I don't know.  But that is okay, I don't need to know.  My pathway has changed and there are more roads not taken.  I am not the person that I used to be, but I am still the same Jaime.  I am unable to look at life and feel sorry for myself, but I need to learn to pick myself up and press forward no matter what the outcome.

I may be in constant, unrelenting pain, but I feel loved and cherished.  I have a husband who would move heaven and earth for me, and this comforts me so much.  I am not angry at him for not really knowing how I feel, I am happy knowing that for him, it doesn't matter, what matters is that I am in pain.  He sees me.  I feel his love.

So, with this journey comes change.  This change is something that I have to learn or I guess relearn.  I have to be able to live my life at a pace that I am able to live and not be in pain.  Knowing this information and practicing mindfulness meditation, I believe that I will eventually have some sort of normal life; my new normal life.  

Keeping a positive outlook should assist me through some dark and difficult times.

So make sure in every dark corner you find you piece of happy.

Happy Does It!  :) 

June 27th, 2016 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  For those who have this illness you understand how devastating it is, but in another way it is truly a relief to find out that everything that is going on with you, finally has one common factor.  I finally have an explanation for everything that I have been going through for at least 15 years. The Rheumatologist narrowed it down to one word, one devastating word:  Fibromyalgia.  

Why me?  Why am I the one that has to have this illness, and why is there so many other people diagnosed with it?  Once I came to terms of my illness and the limitations that I have, it became my responsibility to take care of me.  I don't know how, but first things first, I made sure that everyone that I was close with, knew that I had Fibromyalgia and what that means for me.  It is not easy to explain, but for the most part some of them understood.  Unfortunately, for others, it is difficult because they are used to me being this strong woman who faces everything head on, but now I can't.  It is hard to live up to the person that I used to be.  So for my new normal, I am going to re-learn who I can be.  "Anything is possible" is no longer an option, as I am unable to achieve anything.  Somethings are possible is more like it.  

Fibromyalgia is a game.  It is a game no one wants to play and no one wants to volunteer to be a part of.  It is an illness that causes constant pain throughout your body with unpredictable pathways.  I can wake today with pain in my entire back and both hips but tomorrow there is only pain in my lower half of my body.  It is an illness that forces its victims to hate waking up in the morning.  I was never a morning person, but when I wake up now, I feel pain immediately.  My joints snap and hurt to move.  My muscles feel like they are burning or they feel raw.  To explain to anyone what it feels like is not easy but I shouldn't have to, just know that it is pain, it is real and Fibromyalgia is a chronic illness, there is no cure.

This is the beginning of the journey that I am taking you on, so that perhaps by the end of this, you might have some understanding of how truly devastating this illness can be. 

There is always hope when you have happy.  There is always light when you have love.  There is always strength when you have support.

​Happy Does It ;o)