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When enough is truly enough

1/22/2018

 

Lately, I have been so far in denial regarding my illness that it took a literal breakdown of my mind, spirit and body to stop me from working.  I would get up everyday and go to work, full time.  I would push through the pain to get there, and try and maintain the facade that I had created for myself, because I need to be strong.  (So I thought.)

My true strength was when I finally woke up and looked at my husband and said "No More. I can not do this anymore."  I had to break in order to bend.  I needed to see that I am worth more than I believed.  I thought that I loved and respected myself, but when it all came down to everything, I realized that I put everyone else's needs ahead of my own, including complete strangers.  I would sit, and smile, and laugh fraudulently.  I was in misery.  You know when I would go home, after a workday, I would have nothing left of myself to give to anyone else. A fraud, but the con was on me.  The only truth that I knew was and is pain, and right now I need prayers, love and support to help me.  Who am I to ask for this?  I am suppose to be the strong one. I am suppose to help other people.  Where is this going to lead?

I see now my worth, my truth and what I am capable of doing.  I know that my life's path has completely changed, and the direction that I am going is unwritten.  I am terrified, but from experience I know that great things happen when you are terrified and your journey continues.  What is it going to look like when all is said and done? I don't know.  But that is okay, I don't need to know.  My pathway has changed and there are more roads not taken.  I am not the person that I used to be, but I am still the same Jaime.  I am unable to look at life and feel sorry for myself, but I need to learn to pick myself up and press forward no matter what the outcome.

I may be in constant, unrelenting pain, but I feel loved and cherished.  I have a husband who would move heaven and earth for me, and this comforts me so much.  I am not angry at him for not really knowing how I feel, I am happy knowing that for him, it doesn't matter, what matters is that I am in pain.  He sees me.  I feel his love.

So, with this journey comes change.  This change is something that I have to learn or I guess relearn.  I have to be able to live my life at a pace that I am able to live and not be in pain.  Knowing this information and practicing mindfulness meditation, I believe that I will eventually have some sort of normal life; my new normal life.  

Keeping a positive outlook should assist me through some dark and difficult times.

So make sure in every dark corner you find you piece of happy.

Happy Does It!  :) 

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