Lately, I have been so far in denial regarding my illness that it took a literal breakdown of my mind, spirit and body to stop me from working. I would get up everyday and go to work, full time. I would push through the pain to get there, and try and maintain the facade that I had created for myself, because I need to be strong. (So I thought.)
My true strength was when I finally woke up and looked at my husband and said "No More. I can not do this anymore." I had to break in order to bend. I needed to see that I am worth more than I believed. I thought that I loved and respected myself, but when it all came down to everything, I realized that I put everyone else's needs ahead of my own, including complete strangers. I would sit, and smile, and laugh fraudulently. I was in misery. You know when I would go home, after a workday, I would have nothing left of myself to give to anyone else. A fraud, but the con was on me. The only truth that I knew was and is pain, and right now I need prayers, love and support to help me. Who am I to ask for this? I am suppose to be the strong one. I am suppose to help other people. Where is this going to lead?
I see now my worth, my truth and what I am capable of doing. I know that my life's path has completely changed, and the direction that I am going is unwritten. I am terrified, but from experience I know that great things happen when you are terrified and your journey continues. What is it going to look like when all is said and done? I don't know. But that is okay, I don't need to know. My pathway has changed and there are more roads not taken. I am not the person that I used to be, but I am still the same Jaime. I am unable to look at life and feel sorry for myself, but I need to learn to pick myself up and press forward no matter what the outcome.
I may be in constant, unrelenting pain, but I feel loved and cherished. I have a husband who would move heaven and earth for me, and this comforts me so much. I am not angry at him for not really knowing how I feel, I am happy knowing that for him, it doesn't matter, what matters is that I am in pain. He sees me. I feel his love.
So, with this journey comes change. This change is something that I have to learn or I guess relearn. I have to be able to live my life at a pace that I am able to live and not be in pain. Knowing this information and practicing mindfulness meditation, I believe that I will eventually have some sort of normal life; my new normal life.
Keeping a positive outlook should assist me through some dark and difficult times.
So make sure in every dark corner you find you piece of happy.
Happy Does It! :)
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