Week Nine Picks: There Are No Guarantees

Posing for magazine covers doesn't improve your game; a cautionary tale.

​Last Week: 9-5

Season: 79-40

I appear to be stuck in some sort of Groundhog Day-type rut; for the past four successive Tuesdays, I’ve woken up to find that, yet again, I’ve gone 9-5. Well, I don’t often make guarantees, but I promise that I will not post another 9-5 this week. I solemnly swear that it will not happen. I’ve never lied to you, and I won’t start now. Take it to the bank; no 9-5 this week.

What’s that you say? There are only 13 games this week? Interesting… hmm hmm hmmm… at least I'm not in any danger of being replaced by Blaine Gabbert.
 

Sunday

Packers at Panthers

Green Bay got bushwhacked last week by a rested Peyton Manning who was coming off a bye week. Their defence will look better against Cam Newton, who, though talented and dangerous, has seemed to me to be careless with the football of late. Aaron Rodgers faces another legitimately tough defence this week, but should be able to outplay Newton enough to secure a close victory. Winner: Packers
 

Patriots (Home)

As well as they’re playing right now, there are maybe a handful of teams in the league that could challenge the Pats at Foxborough. Not this week, not this opponent. Winner: Patriots

 
Titans at Saints

Whatever might be wrong with the Saints’ defence, their offence seems to be working just fine. I doubt that Tennessee can match New Orleans score-for-score. Winner: Saints
 
 
Dolphins at Bills

The Dolphins were terrible, until Cameron wake got healthy and they beat a couple of crappy teams, and then they weren’t, until they got thumped by the Pats and Wake tore his Achilles, so now they are again, I’ll bet. Plus, Buffalo gets Tyrod taylor back at QB this week, and just in time, too. Winner: Bills

 
Rams at Vikings

This is a real head-scratcher. The Vikes are much-improved and are playing at home. I have a sneaking suspicion, however, that Teddy Bridgewater is going to have a really tough time against the Rams’ defensive front, and that Todd Gurley will prove to be just a bit too much for Minnesota’s defence to handle. Winner: Rams
 

Jaguars at Jets

The Jets’ defence had better get its act together after a couple of truly atrocious outings, or they can kiss the playoffs goodbye. Hearing that Ryan Fitzpatrick should be back at QB this Sunday should make Jets’ fans breathe a sigh of relief, as the offence looks absolutely lost without him. If the Jets learned anything in Fitzpatrick’s absence, it should be that Geno Smith is utterly hopeless and should be off the team when the season ends. Winner: Jets

 
Raiders at Steelers

Losing Le’Veon Bell this season won’t be nearly as disastrous for Pittsburgh as it was last season due to the presence of DeAngelo Williams. With all the offensive weapons the Steelers have, and with how well Derek Carr has played for the Raiders, this one could be a high-scoring affair. Winner: Steelers
 

Giants at Buccaneers

Man, I would not want to be a member of the Giants’ defence this week after their historically terrible performance against the Saints this past Sunday. I expect a much tighter performance this week, as jobs could be on the line. Will we see JPP this week? It couldn’t hurt. Winner: Giants
 
 
Falcons at 49ers

Though I’m not impressed with the way the Falcons have played of late, most puzzlingly in offence, the 49ers are a real mess. Also, Blaine Gabbert. Winner: Falcons

 
Broncos at Colts

If Peyton Manning plays half as well as he did last week, the Broncos will still win handily against the Colts because of their defence. Winner: Broncos

 
Eagles at Cowboys
Time to face facts, Cowboys fans; your team can’t win without Tony Romo (The kid in the video below gets it.). Philly’s defence is pretty good, so as long as Sam Bradford doesn’t shit the bed, the Eagles should be fine. Winner: Eagles
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Monday Night

Bears at Chargers

In this meaningless contest, I’ll go with the home team, based on offensive superiority. Winner: Chargers