It seems almost cliche to say, but in order to find some semblance of normalcy, I needed to change my mindset.  I have been struggling for a while with just this idea.  It is hard, and I mean really hard, to get someone to start an exercise routine when they are in constant pain.  Those asking, although they are sympathetic, they just really don't understand.  So when I say it hurts it really hurts.  I am in constant pain everyday, so actually saying that I am in pain, it is major pain.

Enter: Intentions.  No I know that there is a saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but those intentions usually involve other people.  The intentions that I am referring to are those that you are applying to yourself.  Living life with intention.  Breathing with intention.  Speaking with intention.  And listening with intention.  

Living with intentions is just that, you live with the soul purpose of living.  You want to be healthy, be intentional with what you eat.  You want to add exercise to your life, do it gradual and at your own pace.  Do not allow others to set your intentions, and try not to refer to your intentions as goals.  With Fibromyalgia, I have learned that goal setting is a fools errand because our days are unpredictable.  We could feel amazing one day, and the next be laid up for a week with absolute exhaustion.  And don't be embarrassed if you are unable to get through your day, or your plans change at a spur of a moment, it is how we as Fibro Warriors fight.  And believe me, you might not feel like a warrior, but you are.  You are up against the unknown, and you are battling it with bravery and spirit.  I know what you are going through, I got your back.

So back to intentions

It is so easy for you to blame yourself for what you are going through.  It is easy because, well it is your body, your pain.  You make excuses for you as to why you have the pain, what you have and haven't done, and ultimately it is you that decides what you are going to do or not do.

So why is it that the more that I delve into the past traumas of my life, the better I feel? 

You need to be honest with yourself.  Brutally honest.  Look at your life in its entirety. All of it.  Revisit those memories that are not always the best ones to look at, and tell yourself that it is okay.  It is alright to have behaved the way that you did.  It is alright to have survived the things that you did.  It was not okay for others to abuse you.  It was not okay for others to take advantage of you.  It was not okay.

Look at your life.  Really look.  Speak to that individual; your younger-self, and tell her that she did the best that she could, considering where you are now.  Speak to her.  Stand up for her.  Tell her that you are there for her.  Empower her.  Unshackle her.  Allow her to be strong again.  She is you and you are her.  You have been bound together through trauma, but it doesn't have to be a sentence; it is a sisterhood.  Your very own sisterhood.  You and her.  She and you.

Stop making excuses for the abusers, and stand up for the abused.  You would do it for someone else, now do it for you.  Every time that you ignore your past you are letting yourself down just a little more.  You are letting your body and your mind think and believe that it is not worth helping.  You can have all the tools from the shed at your disposal but if you do not address the foundation of the problem/task what ever you build will be all for not.  

Please don't think for one second that this can be done in one day.  It can not.  You need to be honest with yourself, and sometimes your brain/sub-conscience doesn't want that, so you end up spinning your wheels.  There are things out there that have traumatized you, and you need to address those things, not with judgement, but with compassion.  Be nice to yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  Fall in love with yourself.  You are amazing.

So when the road does not seem to be going in the direction that you think that it should be, pump the brakes and stop.  You are at the wheel, now steer towards a direction of choice.

I have Fibromyalgia, but it does not have me.

Happy Does It.  ;o)

One of the clinics that I been dealing with for my Fibromyalgia recommended that I go to see and Osteopath.  I have been having massive pain around my tail-bone with no resolution.

So I made an appointment to see one.

I can honestly say that I have never experienced anything like that in my entire life.  The Osteopath hardly even touched me but somehow she triggered me into a full fledged flare.  I am not sure how she did it, but she did.  I haven't been in that much pain in a very,very long time.  And unfortunately, I was unable to regulate the pain, so I have been in and out of flux ever since.  It has been over a week now.

Anyhow, this was my first trip to see and Osteopath, and because I am not sure what it is I am suppose to feel like after a session, I am going again in about a months time.

{February 28,2019}

Well the appointment has come and gone and I did not go.  I was speaking with my specialist about my experience with the Osteopath and he said that I should not be in that much pain afterwards.  He recommended that I do not return.  So I took his advice and did not go back. 

Now this isn't to say that in the future I would not go back to the Osteopath, but for the time being, until I am able to regulate my pain, that is going to have to wait.

The previous medication did not work for me, and now I am on another medication, so fingers crossed this may work.  The good news about this one is that it has a long way to go before I max out on the possible dosage.  We always start as slow as possible, so here's to another adventure.

I am ever the optimist, but to be quite honest, this is brutal.  Not seeing a clear end in sight is something I never thought that I would ever experience, but I guess it is status quo for anyone who has a chronic illness.  

Well, I have one more post to do today, so for now, I leave you with this.  Sometimes it get so dark that you can not see anything, but if you insert just a pinpoint of light, you will be better-abled to see clear. 

Remember, 

You are not alone, ever.

This year has been a tough one. With all of the challenges of my illness and not working since January I find myself doing a lot of reflecting this month.

First off, I didn't realize how defeating Fibromyalgia can be, until it becomes just that. I took things for granted and now I am sharply aware of little things. I am aware of how exhausted I become doing the smallest tasks. I am aware of the pain, my pain, and how it effects everything that I do. I don't say these things for anyone's pity, ever. I am not one who searches for others acceptance, but I am just sharing with you a piece of me. My attitude, my perseverance, and my way of thinking disallows me to feel 'sorry' for myself. This is not a good thing because you need to have self-compassion. I guess some of my wires got crossed when I was small and I don't see things as dire, unless you are knocking on deaths door.

Unfortunately for me, because of lack of self-compassion, I do too much. I try to push past the pain. I ignore my body even when it screams at me to stop. I know that I am going to 'pay' for things that I do. I took pacing classes to learn how to pace; but how do you pace yourself when the only speed you know is non-stop? Now I am at a point in my life where when I do the smallest of things, I am exhausted. The pain never leaves. Again, please don't feel sorry for me. It is not something that I ever want.

A stark reality for me.  I have the challenge of learning my limitations and respecting those limitations.  It is not an easy thing for anyone to learn.  So this month I am starting something I have never done.  I am setting goals for me.  Small achievable goals.  

Small steps.

I have Fibromyalgia, but it will not define who I am.

Welcome to the world of being invisible.  That is how you will feel if you are like me and you are trying to get any sort of financial help while you are off work.  The insurance company, in my case, put the onus on me to prove that I am disabled, and that I am incapable of doing my current position.  

I have already sent in to the company a medical report from my family doctor, and the diagnosing doctor.  Now they want me to prove that I am sick.  It is like I have put on an invisibility cloak and the pain that I have, well isn't real.  It can be frustrating.  I have something on my side though; I have plenty of medical professionals that would attest to the amount of pain that I am in, everyday.  On top of that I have my own everyday accounts of how I feel.  It has to be worth something.

I know that there are things that I have to do to make my life way better.  Like excercising and eating properly.  Pacing and meditation.  I know that my life will never be the same, I just wonder if I will ever be able to work full-time again.  It is not that I don't want to, I just do not want to put my body in this condition ever again.

Lately, I have been so far in denial regarding my illness that it took a literal breakdown of my mind, spirit and body to stop me from working.  I would get up everyday and go to work, full time.  I would push through the pain to get there, and try and maintain the facade that I had created for myself, because I need to be strong.  (So I thought.)

My true strength was when I finally woke up and looked at my husband and said "No More. I can not do this anymore."  I had to break in order to bend.  I needed to see that I am worth more than I believed.  I thought that I loved and respected myself, but when it all came down to everything, I realized that I put everyone else's needs ahead of my own, including complete strangers.  I would sit, and smile, and laugh fraudulently.  I was in misery.  You know when I would go home, after a workday, I would have nothing left of myself to give to anyone else. A fraud, but the con was on me.  The only truth that I knew was and is pain, and right now I need prayers, love and support to help me.  Who am I to ask for this?  I am suppose to be the strong one. I am suppose to help other people.  Where is this going to lead?

I see now my worth, my truth and what I am capable of doing.  I know that my life's path has completely changed, and the direction that I am going is unwritten.  I am terrified, but from experience I know that great things happen when you are terrified and your journey continues.  What is it going to look like when all is said and done? I don't know.  But that is okay, I don't need to know.  My pathway has changed and there are more roads not taken.  I am not the person that I used to be, but I am still the same Jaime.  I am unable to look at life and feel sorry for myself, but I need to learn to pick myself up and press forward no matter what the outcome.

I may be in constant, unrelenting pain, but I feel loved and cherished.  I have a husband who would move heaven and earth for me, and this comforts me so much.  I am not angry at him for not really knowing how I feel, I am happy knowing that for him, it doesn't matter, what matters is that I am in pain.  He sees me.  I feel his love.

So, with this journey comes change.  This change is something that I have to learn or I guess relearn.  I have to be able to live my life at a pace that I am able to live and not be in pain.  Knowing this information and practicing mindfulness meditation, I believe that I will eventually have some sort of normal life; my new normal life.  

Keeping a positive outlook should assist me through some dark and difficult times.

So make sure in every dark corner you find you piece of happy.

Happy Does It!  :) 

June 27th, 2016 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  For those who have this illness you understand how devastating it is, but in another way it is truly a relief to find out that everything that is going on with you, finally has one common factor.  I finally have an explanation for everything that I have been going through for at least 15 years. The Rheumatologist narrowed it down to one word, one devastating word:  Fibromyalgia.  

Why me?  Why am I the one that has to have this illness, and why is there so many other people diagnosed with it?  Once I came to terms of my illness and the limitations that I have, it became my responsibility to take care of me.  I don't know how, but first things first, I made sure that everyone that I was close with, knew that I had Fibromyalgia and what that means for me.  It is not easy to explain, but for the most part some of them understood.  Unfortunately, for others, it is difficult because they are used to me being this strong woman who faces everything head on, but now I can't.  It is hard to live up to the person that I used to be.  So for my new normal, I am going to re-learn who I can be.  "Anything is possible" is no longer an option, as I am unable to achieve anything.  Somethings are possible is more like it.  

Fibromyalgia is a game.  It is a game no one wants to play and no one wants to volunteer to be a part of.  It is an illness that causes constant pain throughout your body with unpredictable pathways.  I can wake today with pain in my entire back and both hips but tomorrow there is only pain in my lower half of my body.  It is an illness that forces its victims to hate waking up in the morning.  I was never a morning person, but when I wake up now, I feel pain immediately.  My joints snap and hurt to move.  My muscles feel like they are burning or they feel raw.  To explain to anyone what it feels like is not easy but I shouldn't have to, just know that it is pain, it is real and Fibromyalgia is a chronic illness, there is no cure.

This is the beginning of the journey that I am taking you on, so that perhaps by the end of this, you might have some understanding of how truly devastating this illness can be. 

There is always hope when you have happy.  There is always light when you have love.  There is always strength when you have support.

​Happy Does It ;o)